Time is a bitch. Big news, I know, but it’s a fact, a bitter, cold hard fact. How many people have a friend or relative who has passed and soon after they’re gone you just lay awake at night wishing you spent more time, even just that extra 5 minutes they asked for but you couldn’t because you were about to miss your flight/bus/train/ride/speed boat. On a slightly less mortal scale, how about just extra time spent to get that A on an exam that you really needed, or even the C to allow you to go to the next class. Those wasted nights alone that you thought were helping you but in all honesty they were just making you go deeper into yourself, sometimes almost so deep that it took you months to get back out. Time is a finite resource, it’s fickle, sometimes it helps, but looking back, more often than not it just hurts.
Time is the biggest catalyst of one the worst questions anybody can ask themselves “What if?”
- “What if I stayed with my grandmother just long enough so this didn’t hurt so much?”
- “What if I actually gave that friendship more of a chance before they died prematurely mere months after you met?”
- ” What if I came out earlier?”
We can never get it back, when time is gone, it’s fucking gone, good or bad. Old relationships that could have been just fade into the background like a white noise of missed chances.
At this point is usually where people say “this sucks but it’s what we do with the time we have left that’s important so we shouldn’t dwell on what we’ve missed.” I’m not that kind of girl, not anymore. It took me 3 decades to find myself, 3. Admittedly not bad when the grand bell curve puts most people even later in life and some people never do, but that’s 30 years of missed chances, anxiety, and emptiness. Of being jealous of other people for living the way I wanted to. Of keeping to some bogus narrative or norm that in the end means somewhere between jack and shit. All for what? Things may be improving now, but these scars run pretty fucking deep and to think, kids who have the advantage of knowing who they are early, kids who have the opportunity to have those relationships, are getting robbed by people who understand nothing and instead of take the time to learn it they actively try to stamp it out. This isn’t just a question of privacy or religion or whatever the fuck these people use as excuses these days, this is actively taking that time away from people and that’s just fucking cruel. Think back to the example of the dying relative or the friend taken from you far too early. What if instead of the 5 minutes to catch the bus someone barred the door from you for days, weeks, years. Think of a dying relative and you try to visit them but there’s 100 men not only barring you from the door but saying “Why do you want to do that?” or “Oh, Grandma is dying? It’s probably just a phase.” Lost time, it’s all about lost time and once that shit is lost it’s never coming back.
Take it from me, if you want to do something and you’re afraid that it’s not the right time or you don’t have enough time, just fucking do it. You’re right, there’s never enough time, but if it means that much to you just do it anyway.